Dear Ma,

Dear Ma,

I’m so sorry if you’re seeing me like this (again). These days my emotions are all tangled into a one big ball of mess and tonight I’m having an episode again. It’s just that I’m so exhausted (with life) lately. Back then, by merely talking to you lightened whatever weight I carried. Bisag dli taka storyahan sa akong problema okay na ko basta mag stroya lang ta about showbiz, politics, mga health remedies, funny moments nila shoti ug yenyen, basta bisag unsa. You were my stress reliever. You were my safe haven. Talking to you or just having you near comforted me. It was why I’m always excited for weekends because every weekend I get to spend with you, Papa and Joan. A weekend that passed by without seeing the 3 of you, puts me in a grumpy mood. Now as I think of it, one reason for my emotional episodes (murag hadlok man gamiton ang term na breakdown) is because I’m not able to see Papa and Joan every weekend. Seeing them keeps me sane. I miss my usual weekends. Please help me pray for healing, hoping that in God’s time we’ll all live peacefully. I’m not really physically exhausted, I’m emotionally exhausted which I think is much worst. I can’t even explain it. I am happy with Peterson and the kids but I know that a piece of me is missing.

God knows how much I wanted to say the words “I wish you were here”, but I’m too afraid to even think about it because I know you’re in a better place now and I don’t want you to worry about me, about us. But then again, just like I said, I’m having an episode again. I’m sorry if remembering you is painful. I’m sorry if I can’t even look at your picture for more than 3 minutes without bursting into tears. I just miss you so much it hurts. Real na real. Naa times na I feel hopeless kung unsaon nako pag ka okay kung ang ma ka okay nako ikaw man, unya wala na man ka? Sorry gyud kaayo Ma. I know in time I’ll be okay and Jesus with calm my restless heart. I don’t want you to see me like this, maybe I wasn’t ready after all. I wonder how Joan and Papa are coping, are they having breakdowns like me? Or ako lang ba ang ma drama? Ako lang ba ang emotional mesyedo? I sound so melodramatic.  It’s been 8 months and I miss you everyday, it feels like it’s getting stronger.

Hapit na imong birthday. I love you Ma.

PS. Please let me see you in my sleep.

Always,

Joy

Hello, 2017.

Thank yo to Kenzie of Hello Neverland for these writing prompts for January! I have an endless to-do list this year and one of them is to be a better blogger. So yeah, cheers to 2017!

Letting Go

“The angels gathered near your bed
So very close to you
For they knew the pain & suffering
That you were going through

I thought about so many things
As I held tightly to your hand
Oh, how I wished that you were strong
And happy once again

But your eyes were looking homeward
To that place beyond the sky
Where Jesus held His outstretched arms
It was time to say good-bye

I struggled with my selfish thoughts
For I wanted you to stay
So we could walk & talk again
Like we did ~ just yesterday

But Jesus knew the answer
And I knew He loved you so
So I gave to you life’s greatest gift
The gift of letting go

Now my heart will carry memories
Of the love you gave to me
Until we meet again in Heaven
Where the best is yet to be”

C. Johnson & J. Morse

I found this beautiful poem on Pinterest and my thoughts inevitably flashed back to to November 21, exactly two weeks ago. It was the day Mama died. This poem perfectly reflects my thoughts and my emotions that very day. This is the very first time I am going to write about it and it’s so difficult to put everything into words. I miss her everyday. My heart hurts and I don’t know if this pain will ever go away.

It was a Monday. Papa usually gets up early to cook breakfast, prepare Mama’s meds, and to ask if she wants to go to the bathroom. Since the day that she got home from the hospital, she needs to support in walking around the house. When Papa looked at her, there was a different look on her eyes. A faraway gaze. She just stared like she was looking at something intently. Papa just kept talking to her but she was unresponsive. Then he knew, things aren’t good. We (husband and kids) immediately went there when my sister, Joan, called me on the phone. On my way to my parent’s house, a million thoughts ran through my head. “Ma, ayaw sa gyud Ma. Please”, that was my prayer. I never prayed so hard in my life. A few days ago, I was contemplating of what to give Mama for Christmas. I wanted to get her a rocking chair. I was planning of how we’d spend our Christmas. I was also waiting for her to regain her strength so we could talk like before because since ni balik sya from the hospital, talking takes so much of her effort and energy. Gusto sa gyud nako sya ma storya ug balik. When I saw her, I cannot believe what I was seeing. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.

As the day progressed, her feet and hands turned cold but when we checked her temperature it was 39.6°C. I know that Mama doesn’t want to go back to the hospital, oh how mush she hated it there. But we wanted to make sure we are doing the right thing of not sending her back so Papa and I called her doctor and told him mom’s current state. With his response, we were certain to let her stay at home. We talked to her throughout the day and we know that she can hear us. We continued to gave her her medicines, especially the one for the pain. Thinking about it now, I didn’t know how we’re able to gather our sh*t together. 6 PM, Joan and I held to each Mama’s hands tightly. She was slipping away in front of our very eyes. I found myself saying, “Go peacefully ma. It’s now okay to let go.” I watched my mother die in front of me knowing that it was final and there’s nothing I could do to stop it. (more…)

Currently {November}

I’ve been meaning to post some updates but then I’ve been so caught up with everything that’s happening in my life right now. Today, I feel a lot more settled and  I am emotionally stable so I guess I can finally push through with my November update. Also, I am trying to learn to live by the quote “Let God and let go”. 

Currently

Reading: About 3 weeks ago, I started reading Ransom Rigg’s series Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. I was immediately smitten. This falls under fantasy/adventure category combined with a very unique style of photography (loved the idea of a story based upon found photography, isn’t that brilliant?!). These tell us the amazing adventures of the peculiar children. There are dark and disturbing sections so these are definitely not for kids. . I’m currently with the 3rd book, Library of the Souls.

peculiar-children-series

Listening to: The Piano Guys. With my recent emotional state, I found their songs very comforting.

(more…)