I’m so sorry if you’re seeing me like this (again). These days my emotions are all tangled into a one big ball of mess and tonight I’m having an episode again. It’s just that I’m so exhausted (with life) lately. Back then, by merely talking to you lightened whatever weight I carried. Bisag dli taka storyahan sa akong problema okay na ko basta mag stroya lang ta about showbiz, politics, mga health remedies, funny moments nila shoti ug yenyen, basta bisag unsa. You were my stress reliever. You were my safe haven. Talking to you or just having you near comforted me. It was why I’m always excited for weekends because every weekend I get to spend with you, Papa and Joan. A weekend that passed by without seeing the 3 of you, puts me in a grumpy mood. Now as I think of it, one reason for my emotional episodes (murag hadlok man gamiton ang term na breakdown) is because I’m not able to see Papa and Joan every weekend. Seeing them keeps me sane. I miss my usual weekends. Please help me pray for healing, hoping that in God’s time we’ll all live peacefully. I’m not really physically exhausted, I’m emotionally exhausted which I think is much worst. I can’t even explain it. I am happy with Peterson and the kids but I know that a piece of me is missing.
God knows how much I wanted to say the words “I wish you were here”, but I’m too afraid to even think about it because I know you’re in a better place now and I don’t want you to worry about me, about us. But then again, just like I said, I’m having an episode again. I’m sorry if remembering you is painful. I’m sorry if I can’t even look at your picture for more than 3 minutes without bursting into tears. I just miss you so much it hurts. Real na real. Naa times na I feel hopeless kung unsaon nako pag ka okay kung ang ma ka okay nako ikaw man, unya wala na man ka? Sorry gyud kaayo Ma. I know in time I’ll be okay and Jesus with calm my restless heart. I don’t want you to see me like this, maybe I wasn’t ready after all. I wonder how Joan and Papa are coping, are they having breakdowns like me? Or ako lang ba ang ma drama? Ako lang ba ang emotional mesyedo? I sound so melodramatic. It’s been 8 months and I miss you everyday, it feels like it’s getting stronger.
Hapit na imong birthday. I love you Ma.
PS. Please let me see you in my sleep.